I feel like I'm embarking on an entirely different life today.

I've been...well, not down really, but more serious, I guess? So many things on my mind. Mostly the house business. We're still waiting on an answer to our offer, but as more and more information has hit us, things have started to look pretty impossible. That weighed me down.

Then this insane idea I had to change my lifestyle, I mean, really! What was I thinking? Thirty years of living a certain way, don't lend themselves easily to change. I'll tell you what I was thinking. I thought I'd make a decision, throw in some determination, and viola! Change. HA! I have - as my friend Donette refers to it - fallen off the wagon, climbed back up, fallen off the wagon, climbed back up, fallen off the wagon... Yesterday, I climbed back up again, and right now I'm searching for some kind of seatbelt. But I made a decision, and I've decided to stick to it. There were a few days in there where I wavered on whether it was worth sticking to. I considered going back to normal because it was easy and stress-free. The learning curve on the lifestyle change is a big one, and I wasn't prepared for that. Now, I'm learning to give myself some grace. Instead of getting down on myself when I fall off the wagon (which leads to more and more bad choices), I'm going to say to myself, "Oops! That happens sometimes, doesn't it?" And then enjoy whatever it was that I jumped off for. (Like that double hanging preposition?) After that, I'll climb right back up. No more wallowing for me!

Also, I changed my blog template from my normal, long-term, comfortable brown to that wonderful, lively, white, red, yellow and purple template. I loved the rich, bold colors and the book idea, but I didn't like the fact that the story wasn't the focus of the blog anymore. Instead my face had become the central feature. I went searching through blog templates; I discussed my feelings with Debbie Awful, and together we (but mainly she) fiddled with this template until everything fell into perfect place. Then I spent the last couple days going back through all my old posts and labeling them so the template would work appropriately. That's when I noticed the difference between my recent posts and my older posts. The LIFE is missing!

During this past week that I have spent not blogging, I've been LIVING! Really living! I've gotten back into reading my Bible on a daily basis. I've decided to go to bed when Jeremy does (except for last night), and I'm cutting back on the book reading that I enjoy after Jeremy falls asleep. I want to be alert, awake, alive during the day so that I can enjoy my daughters and my life. I've started speaking up about what I believe and why to my friends and neighbors. I've gotten involved in a new ministry at church called the Mom's Group. In fact, I led the first get together and bombed utterly. But now I have a funny story to tell, and I learned a lot about preparing and praying and getting over my own self-consciousness. I'm currently planning the next get together!

I'm working on projects in my apartment, and looking into some long-term goals for myself. I'm spending a LOT more time on the floor wrestling playfully with the girls or on my feet running up and down the hallway and up and down the sidewalks outside. I spent most of this morning playing Run & Jump with Liberty and Mercy and the couch cushions, and I taught them how to do jumping jacks (the girls, not the cushions). I wish you all could see Mercy "jumping." Too funny for words!

Yesterday, I explored downtown with my new friend Halima. We walked several blocks, pushing our children in their strollers and talking and laughing the entire time. We shopped! I haven't shopped for anything besides groceries since I've been in Indiana, and it felt so good! I have the urge right now to go into minute detail about what I bought and where I found it and what great deals I got, but I will resist. All you need to know is how full my heart feels to have found a friend who wants to hang out with me (we've already got three other hanging-out plans in the works), and you can be surprised along with me at how energizing I have found it to be able to laugh with another woman at things we both have experienced, to get out of the house and not concentrate solely on my children.

Moms are people, too! (If I ran for president, that would be my slogan. What do you think?)

Anyway, my point to all this rambliness is this: I am embracing my purposeful LIFE again with all of its ups and downs, goods and bads, happinesses and disappointments -- and it feels good!