Let me tell you a story...

of a man named Charlie on that tragic and fateful day. He put ten cents in his pocket, kissed his wife and family, went to ride on the MTA. But did he ever return? No, he never returned, and his fate is still unlearned. He may ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston. He's the man who never returned.

Sorry, it just came out of me.


Let me tell you a story...(about me and my patriotism).

I attempted to get my driver's license switched over to a Hoosier (Look! I used the official term!) license within thirty days after moving to this great state, but they told me I needed

1. A Birth Certificate
2. A Marriage Certificate
3. A Social Security Card
4. An Iowa driver's license
5. A piece of federal, computer generated mail dated within the past year and mailed to my new address.
6. An Indiana voter registration card

While this list seems excessive and ridiculous to me, I did not complain. Instead, I returned to my new apartment and searched through box after box to find these documents. I found all but the birth certificate. I searched and searched and searched and searched.

Finally, I concluded that my birth certificate must be in storage. Although, why it isn't with all the rest of our important paperwork, I do not know. Since back then I lived under the delusion that we would soon be into a home, and our storage items would quickly be reunited with us, I decided to risk not having an Indiana license and wait for my birth certificate to be returned to me in due time.

I have now been waiting a year and a half.

A few weeks ago, a policeman pulled me over for a rolling stop at a stop sign, and he discovered that I am an unlicensed Hoosier.

I'm sorry; I have trouble with that name. It makes me feel like a vacuum cleaner.

The kind and wonderful officer decided to extend grace to me, and he told me I had four weeks to bring my new license to him, or he would impound my vehicle. I am SO thankful that he didn't impound it right then!

Instead of continuing to wait for our storage items to be delivered to our new home (which should now take place in THREE WEEKS!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!) I decided to order my birth certificate from the state of Illinois. I ordered it online and received it in about three days: impressive. While I was ordering a copy of my birth certificate online, someone stole my identity and accessed our bank account within about three days: not so impressive. (Don't worry, our watchdogs caught them before they could take anything: impressive.)

Last Saturday, I happily marched my rear into the Bureau of Motor Vehicles and prepared to take a written test for my license. It felt so good to be almost legal again! But the woman who looked over my documents told me I would not be allowed to take the test because my marriage certificate was not valid.

Say what??

It's true, her supervisor informed me, my marriage certificate does not have any official numbers or codes on it that shows it has ever been registered with the state of Illinois. They turned me down, flat. Wouldn't even allow me to take a practice swing at the written test.

But what about voting next week? I wailed to the BMV Nazis. They sighed in sympathy. Nope, no voting without a driver's license. They did suggest that I take my voter registration card and my Iowa license to the polling place and see if they would still let me vote.

I did.

They didn't.

I'm beginning to think I'm just not meant to vote...or drive.


But wait! There's more.