It snowed today. A Lot.

Jeremy hauled out his big manly snow-blower and started with our driveway, then our sidewalks, then the street in front of our house, then the street from our house almost to the crossroad, then he sent me next door with a request, "Can my husband, please, please, pretty please clear off your driveway for you? It will make him so happy!"

They said yes.

That kept him busy for another while, until he came into the house to ask me to do some ice-chopping on sections of their driveway - major upper body workout, let me tell you! Then I was forced to go across the street and ask if he could clear that neighbor's driveway. He was too chicken to ask by himself.

We breaked for lunch and some fun times, and during the girls' nap time, I got onto facebook where I saw a status from my neighbor down the street mentioning that her husband had been outside shoveling their driveway the past two hours, and he still wasn't finished. I read that status to my heroman Jeremy who jumped up and grabbed his coat. "Tell her I'm on my way!" he said happily.

We scored a bucket of homemade chocolate chip cookies from them!

When I found out about it, I had mixed feelings. I've been doing pretty well with my eating habits, but I've also wisely kept most temptations out of the house during this start-up period. I looked up the nutrition information for homemade cookies and found out they are usually about 60 calories. I then looked at what I intended to eat for snacks and supper and decided if I cut out my snack, I could eat two cookies! Hooray! Oh how excited I was!

Of course, I did all this without the cookies in my eyesight. I dream big, don't I?

Once that bucket of homemade chocolate chip cookies was clutched in my grubby little hands, and the sweet aroma entangled itself in my nostrils, I lost all control. I ate three cookies immediately. (Not too bad, I rationalized to myself.) Then I put the lid on and put it out of sight.

When the girls got up from their naps, they were ready for their snack, and I told them, "Guess what? I have a surprise for you!" I opened that enticing bundle of sugar and chocolate and carbohydrates and fat and inhaled deeply. I doled out Liberty and Mercy's snacks and ate another cookie. I put the lid on the container, but when I finished my extra cookie, I grabbed another one. And then another one. While I ate that sixth cookie, Gandalf's words reverberated in my brain, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" And I remembered my cocoon post, celebrating my new-found self-control.

I felt defeated.

I put the lid back on the bucket, and put the bucket on top of the refrigerator. I walked to my room, sat at my computer and entered my newest calories into SparkPeople. I found that I had only 125 calories left for the day. I stared sadly at my screen, not looking at the numbers, but thinking of my failure. My emotions begged me to fully accept my defeat and go finish the rest of the cookies in the container. At least that way, the temptation will be gone! I thought to myself.

The picture of Gandalf the Gray from Lord of the Rings in that dark cave facing his biggest fear entered my mind again, and I played it out in my imagination. The STAB of his staff into the bedrock; the finality in his voice when he roared at the balrog, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" And the battle to the death that followed so that he could stick with his convictions and not run. Then I thought of those cookies on top of the refrigerator.

"No! I will NOT be completely defeated!" I said to myself. I stood up and imitated Gandalf's stab into the earth, my legs braced for battle, my head high, my face set. I said to those cookies -- no, I said to my own desires -- "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Then I sat back down and felt a little silly, but definitely settled. I looked back at the screen and tried to decide how to finish out my eating for the day. I could no longer meet my nutrition goals, but I could still meet my caloric goals. I searched the communication from my tummy. Nope, not hungry at all...in fact, slightly queasy from the unusual amount of sugar now present. I decided on a 120 calorie container of Greek yogurt with strawberries. Then I happily smelled (from the other room) while my family chowed down on Jeremy's impulsive order of cheese pizza from Papa Murphy's.

(It's really not so bad if you don't watch them eat it.)

Jeremy kindly set aside a piece for me to eat tomorrow when I get to start over with a clean plate...err, I mean slate, and I'll balance out those carbs and fat with nutrition the rest of the day.

I'm proud of myself. There are still cookies on top of the fridge that I am defeating! Well, I'm as proud as I can be with the memory of those six eaten cookies in my past, but I'm trying to use those to motivate me. My long-term goal is NOT to reach my caloric goal and skimp on nutrition; it is to be healthy.

I'm getting there.



PS> I'm not an insanely addicted LOTR's fan, although my past few posts may indicate otherwise. It's just that the scene with Gandalf seems to be on my mind lately.