I assumed being home would reset everything back to “normal,” but I’m learning that isn’t the case.  However, we *are* acclimating to our new routine, and I’m feeling more comfortable in my own skin again.

Last night I dreamed we were back in the hospital.  I had fallen asleep on my little plastic couch off to the side of Liberty’s room, and the privacy curtain was pulled around the couch, separating my little corner from the rest of the room.  In my dream I woke hearing many voices talking quickly together, and under the curtain I could see many pairs of feet surrounding Liberty’s bed.  They were in the process of taking Liberty to a distant place permanently, and it seemed to be urgent.  I tried and tried to push the curtain back so I could see and understand what was happening and why, and where were they taking her.  But the curtain kept tangling around my arms and legs.  I couldn’t get past it, and while I wrestled with the curtain and yelled at them to stop, they took Liberty from the room and I was left in silence, still fighting the curtain with all my might.

I woke up in panic in my own bedroom.  It was about 2 a.m.  It was just a dream, I told myself, but I couldn’t shake that feeling of dread.  I wondered if Liberty was also having nightmares in her room, and I began praying earnestly for peaceful dreams for her.  I asked her today how she slept, and she told me she had been in the middle of a nightmare, a repeated nightmare from Monday night, when suddenly the atmosphere shifted to lighthearted comedy instead of dread and fear.  She said she wondered at the time how it suddenly changed in her dream, and now she thinks God might have miraculously changed it for her from my prayers.  Yay for God!

I had set my alarm for earlier in the morning today with the intention of getting good rest and popping out of bed full of energy, but that did not work out.  After my nightmare, I couldn’t fall back to sleep, so I just lay there thinking of everything.  When my alarm went off Wednesday morning, I was exhausted.  

I had also planned to get many things unpacked and put away around the house, but I couldn’t seem to focus on anything either yesterday or today, until finally this afternoon, something suddenly clicked in my head, and I began efficiently doing all the things.  Hooray!  I was beginning to worry about myself, but I think maybe my brain just needed time to decompress or something.  

I’m supposed to get up early enough to go walking with my friend tomorrow morning, and I’m really hoping I’m capable of doing that.

We are also figuring out Liberty’s rest needs.  I’ve noticed every day Liberty has the most energy and focus right after breakfast, so if there is anything big that she wants to accomplish, she’d better get it done in that 30 minute window of time.  After that her energy steadily decreases until around 2:30 p.m. when her ability suddenly drops completely, and she needs to lie down in bed.  Getting the child to actually go to bed is another story altogether, though.

Today, some friends dropped by for a quick visit around 4:30ish, and Liberty had rested long enough that she was able to walk out to the living room on her own with strength and have an enthusiastic conversation.  Have I mentioned she LOVES to talk?

She stayed up and active the rest of the evening, and even played Phase 10 with me, Daddy, Grandma, and Grandpa.  She wasn’t the best at strategizing or paying close attention, but she had fun and didn’t need to quit partway through, and she only claims to ache “a little” at bedtime.  She ached enough that she wanted me to check her for swelling, though, and her tenderness level is untouchable all through her left side just now at bedtime.  I’ve learned that the awful achiness is also normal for her right now while she is still healing, so I did not feel too alarmed at all that.

Victory and Mercy will return home on Friday!!! 🎉😃🙌🏼  I am so very much yearning to be reunited with all my girls again!  But I am valuing the wisdom of my husband who realized in advance that Liberty and I would need some time at home alone to learn what her needs truly are before adding her sisters back into the mix. Together, we are learning and adjusting and enjoying a quiet life for now.