Liberty is excited.  No fear for her at all.  She has lived with intense pain for 15 years, and the pain has ratcheted up exponentially in the last six months.  That pain that I always attributed to heartburn turns out to be her actual heart, and she is thrilled at the prospect of surgery because it means no more pain after she heals!

Jeremy took several days to process all the information coming to him and to work through the initial fear and trembling at the thought of releasing his baby girl into the hands of unknown surgeons, and now he is running point on all the logistics of getting us there and back, where will we stay during the surgery (we still don't know anything about the surgery or how long it will take or how long she will be in the hospital afterwards), dealing with insurance pre-approvals, and all that.  

My job is to stay on top of communications with the hospital.  That is a full-time task all by itself because THEY WILL NOT COMMUNICATE!  So frustrating.

But God.

I have to calm myself down.

I found myself struggling with Mom Guilt last night and this morning.  Beating myself up at the stupidity involved in mistaking heart pain for heart burn.  We've been reviewing Liberty's symptoms and realizing all the times over the years when she has stopped playing because she couldn't catch her breath.  Not your average out-of-breath, but full on almost heart-attack-like symptoms, and I just said to her, "Take a break.  Rest.  Relax."  What kind of mom doesn't realize her kid needs heart surgery, anyway?  After FIFTEEN YEARS of evidence!?

Me.

This mom.

I didn't catch it.

I sent this text to my friend Jane: "All this time I have been translating her pain to 'heartburn,' but it is much much more than that.  She doesn't actually have acid reflux.  She told the doctors she constantly feels like her heart is exploding.  She can't find a comfortable way to sleep at night because she hurts so badly, so she hasn't slept for most of this year, and the doctors confirmed that was an accurate description.  I feel like a horrible mother.  She has been saying this to me for years, and I just changed her diet or gave her a heartburn pill.  My poor baby!"

She texted back: "You had no idea of what really was happening, so don't beat yourself up.  You are the best mom for her and Mercy and Vee!  God did not give you X-ray eyes to see what was happening, just like He didn't give me neurological wisdom to know what was going on with [my child].  He gives us what we need today, our DAILY bread.  Today, that looks like being on the doctors' discussion plans and 'patiently' waiting."

Peace returned to me, and I had to laugh at her quotation marks around the word patiently.  How well she knows me!

I'm so thankful God surrounds us with friends to speak truth into our lives.  Keep praying for us, my friends.  We are all needing your prayer support!